Checkmate

Ever had those moments where you knew you just couldn't finish a project? After working extremely hard for hours upon hours, the stress and pressure finally hits you. And you begin to think that everything you've done so far is stupid or that there is no way you can possibly carry on. Well if that doen't happen to you, good for you. But sadly I am victim of the cruelest of all creations designed to discourage students from success: writer's block. In reality what i have is more than writer's block. It's a block that my mind creates, a wall of sorts, that enables me to keep from failing. It's my failsafe. I institute the wonderful barrier whenever I feel that I could embarass my self, when I feel I'm not good enough. The most notable examples were when I was an athlete. Not a star athlete, but an athlete who participated in more than one sport. My main sport however, was basketball. I had played basketball for almost 8 years by the time I had graduated from high school. I never was one to practice hard on my own, although I would from time to time. But when I was a basketball practice, no matter how crappy I felt I always went out and tried my best, worked the hardest that I was able to that day. I could play with the best of them but whenever I was put out on the court with a nice clean uniform and my high top sneakers, I internally panicked. I never let it show on my face that I was scared out of mind, mostly because I didn't even realize. I had my game face on and I was ready to take down my opponents, only I couldn't. Every single game during high school, every single one of the 70 or so games I played in, I would eventually screw up so bad that I would want to come off the court. The worst part is, I never realized I was doing this until my last season was over. It made absolutely no sense to me. I was able to play in pick-up games with guys who were twice my size, that were more athletic and more skilled at basketball than me and I could hold my own but put me on a court with girls my age with their uniforms on and I couldn't do anything right. I don't know why the dynamic mattered so much to me, I loved being able to sweat with guys, get close to them playing defense and then show them up by taking it to them but I could never gain that confidence when there was actual pressure on the line. The same barrier would happen in track and field, the other sport that I ended up with a varsity letter in. I won't digress from my writer's block as much as I did before, but in hindsight it is noticiable that I should have been better. I'm not saying that I should have been in first or second but I should have at least been competive with the others. I was a hurdler and a high jumper. I've never seen a video of me hurdling and truthfully I never would want to , but I know in my heart that I should have been able to beat the super slow times that I recorded my junior and senior years of high school. Now back to writer's block.
Writer's block is a horrible phenomena, especially when there is a paper due the next day. No matter how hard you try to convince yourself that you can write the paper in front of you, you can't. There I go generalizing again, I meant to imply that I can't. Once I wrote a five page rough draft that was excellent, it had a clear argument and a decisive tone but when I met with my teacher about the draft, she told me that my tone was too harsh for an academic paper. That comment, completely diminished my self-confidence. I began to worry about toning down the paper so much, that I found myself inable to work on it any further. Everytime I looked at my draft, I saw the words that scolded the reader come off the page and begin to to attack me. I panicked and I erased almost all of it. So there I was with just a paragraph, the paper due the next day at 8 am and I was stuck. No words that made sense were coming to me. I was completely and utterly lost, having no way to find the path that led back to the topic my mind had strayed so far from. I had no ideas and so come the next morning, I had nothing to turn in. I tried to treat the incomplete assignment as something to shrug off but it concerned me. How was I going to write the rest of the papers for class? Would I ever be able to write an academic paper? That night I went back to me room and just sucked it up and wrote the worst paper I had ever written. There was no flow, no organization, nothing that would make it at best an average paper. My teacher probably thinks I turned it in late because I am unprepared college student or a slacker but the truth to me is worse: I failed. I failed at what I love to do most: be the best I can be. That was truly frightening. And the worst is that I know this isn't the end. Writer's block is sure to strike again...